


Slip

by Tamasha



Series: Built to Fall [6]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Cutting, Depression, Doctor!Arthur, Established Relationship, Feels, Gay, Love, M/M, Modern Era, Okay Ending, Relapsing, Relationship(s), Sad, Self-Harm, Short
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-04
Updated: 2019-04-04
Packaged: 2020-01-04 19:32:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18350252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tamasha/pseuds/Tamasha
Summary: Merlin and Arthur have a stupid fight. It triggers a slip up in Merlin's recovery, but Arthur is there to patch things up.TRIGGER WARNING: cutting, self harm, blood





	Slip

**Author's Note:**

> written by Tamara
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: self harm in the form of cutting, blood

Today has been hell for Merlin. 

He's been through so much treatment, so much therapy, and has been well on his way to recovery for two years now. He and Arthur have had their ups and downs, but they live together now and they are closer than ever before. Merlin hadn't even  _ thought  _ about self harm in a long time. He's been doing the best he can, and somehow that's still not good enough. Because of one stupid fight. One bad day. And he slipped up.

Arthur has been gone for an hour, and when he left to go run errands, he and Merlin had gotten into a fight about something stupid. Something trivial. Honestly, at this point Merlin can't even remember  _ what  _ it was about. And that makes it worse somehow. He doesn't even know  _ why _ he did this to himself yet again! He's crying, staring at the cuts on his arms that are still seeping blood slowly. They aren't deep, he's managed worse before, but it has been so long since this has happened it still feels like a crushing defeat. He was doing so well! And now… now this.  _ Fuck. _

He knows, deep down, that relapse is practically unavoidable. It isn't like it was  _ just _ the fight that set him off either. He has been unemployed for three months now, and has been left alone with his mind too much lately, listening to the constant chatter of his brain telling him he'll never be good enough. He  _ knows  _ it's not Arthur's fault, and he knows Arthur understands that intellectually as well, but that doesn't mean Arthur won't blame himself. 

Merlin sits on the edge of the bathtub, with his broken razor in his hand, trying his best not to panic. He tosses the sharp into the trash bin first, because he can reach that, and that's step one. He already failed the true step one in his safety plan, which is to call Arthur or his therapist  _ before  _ he actually cuts. Call when it's just thoughts. Trouble with that is, he  _ hadn't  _ thought about it this time. Just a blur of emotion is all he remembers before finding himself in the bathroom with a cut-up arm.

Merlin stands and goes to the sink next to wash it the best he can and make sure at least now he is doing the proper self care. In the medicine cabinet he finds a few plasters that almost cover the cuts entirely. It's the best he can do for himself for the time being. The cuts themselves aren't too bad. There are only three and they are pretty superficial, so he won't have to explain himself to any doctor. Well. Besides his boyfriend. But that's a different story.

Speaking of which… he needs to call Arthur.  _ Needs _ to. He doesn't have a choice. He should have done it earlier and the more time he wastes avoiding it, the harder it will be to admit what he has done. He swallows hard and pulls out his mobile and lets the phone automatically dial his number one contact. 

_ Ring. _

Merlin is so stupid.

_ Ring. _

How could he let this happen?

_ Ring. _

Arthur is going to hate him.

Merlin hangs up with shaky hands, not yet ready to face the music. Or his boyfriend.

He knows he has no reason to be scared. Arthur is loving and helpful and will be nothing but supportive. And best of all he will know what to  _ do. _ But guilt is too heavy to bear right now, and Merlin is a coward.

His mobile rings and Merlin doesn't even have to look at the caller ID to know who it is.

“Hello,” he mutters, voice scratchy and rough.

“Sorry I missed that call, I was arguing with the parking meter.” Arthur sounds almost amused, and Merlin is inexplicably hurt by that.

“Babe… I…” Merlin's voice is failing, and he wishes desperately that Arthur was here to hold him while he admits his mistake.

Arthur sucks in a breath, the way he always does when he realizes he can't solve another problem by avoiding it or with jokes. “M, I'm sorry about before. I know I got too upset and it really wasn't worth it. I don't want to fight. I hope that I can come home and we can just put this behind us, because-”

“I cut,” Merlin blurts out.

There is a long enough pause that Merlin thinks maybe Arthur didn't hear him. Or there is a bad connection.

“Arth-”

“Okay. Did you clean out the wound?” Arthur asks, voice tight.

Merlin nods first before he remembers he's on the phone. “I did,” he whispers.

Arthur clears his throat. “I'm on my way home right now, Merlin. Okay? Can you go to the living room and stay there till I get to the flat?”

Merlin makes a pained noise. “Yeah.”

“All right. I'm so sorry, babe. I'll make it better, okay? You're going to be alright. I just need you to promise to stay safe till I get there. Can you do that?”

“Yeah,” Merlin answers again. “I can. I'll see you in a minute.”

He hangs up and does as Arthur asks, legs barely able to carry him to the couch. Once he gets there, though, he turns on the telly and pulls his soft blue blanket around him and waits.

  
  


Arthur comes in through the front door like the world is going to end. But he manages to do it quite skillfully so he doesn't come off too panicked. Merlin's not sure if Arthur ever  _ shows _ his panic. Not in his movements, anyway. As a doctor in an emergency clinic, he’s used to dealing with crises, but as far as Arthur's face goes, when he's truly worried, it’s written all over. Especially when that worry is directed at his love.

Merlin shuts off the telly and sits up to greet Arthur as he strides in. “Hey,” Merlin murmurs as his lovely boyfriend comes and sits beside him, wrapping him up in a tight hug. 

“Hey,” Arthur echoes. “I love you,” he reminds Merlin, knowing that's one thing he can always say when he's at a loss for words. It never ceases to make Merlin feel better, even if only marginally in times like this. 

“I love you too,” Merlin responds automatically. “And I'm sorry.”

“No,” Arthur hushes with a gentle kiss to Merlin's temple. “It's okay. We'll figure this out, M. You're going to be okay. Can I see?”

Merlin nods, knowing he's not going to get away with hiding it; Arthur will see eventually. Plus, this is the worst part, and once Arthur knows how bad it is, he will know exactly what Merlin needs right now. 

His arms outstretched, he allows Arthur to peel away the plasters and reveal Merlin's transgression.

“Not so bad,” Arthur comments, voice surprisingly calm. “You did a good job cleaning up.” Arthur then gives Merlin another gentle soothing kiss, this time on his lips. “I'm glad you called me right away, I know that wasn't easy. I'm proud of you.”

That's what finally breaks Merlin into another fit of crying, but Arthur is right there to catch his broken boyfriend, and touch him with adoration and care. Merlin takes a deep breath and shakes his head, hands covering his face. “I feel so stupid.”

“No,” Arthur says again, but this time his voice is more commanding. “Not stupid, M, never stupid. It's okay. It was a slip up, that's it. But I got you, yeah? I'll be here to catch you if you ever slip, I'm not gonna let you fall, okay?”

Merlin nods, and let's himself crumble into his boyfriend's lap. “I love you,” he babbles between sobs.

A warm weight presses over Merlin as Arthur embraces him fully. The heaviness of him makes Merlin feel safer than he's felt in a long time. He knows Arthur is good on his word; Merlin doesn't think Arthur would ever let him slip away.

“I love you too, M. I love you too.”

And that's one thing Merlin knows will always be true. No matter what.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry. I just… this universe is too easy for me to write in because I relate so much to our dear poor Merlin. Thanks for reading.


End file.
